Attachment styles shape how we connect with others, especially in romantic relationships. Developed in childhood, they influence our emotional responses, communication, and relationship patterns. One of the most common yet challenging attachment styles is anxious attachment—a style marked by fear of abandonment, heightened sensitivity to rejection, and a deep craving for closeness.
Attachment styles influence how we connect with others, especially in romantic relationships. They are deeply rooted in our early experiences and shape how we seek love, intimacy, and security.
In this blog, we’ll explore:
- How attachment styles are formed
- What influences anxious attachment
- How anxious attachment shows up in romantic relationships
- Common challenges of anxious attachment
- Two ways to work through and heal anxious attachment
Let’s dive in.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby, explains how early relationships with caregivers shape our ability to form emotional bonds later in life. Mary Ainsworth later expanded on this research, identifying four main attachment styles:
- Secure attachment – Comfortable with intimacy and independence
- Anxious attachment – Fearful of abandonment, seeks constant reassurance
- Avoidant attachment – Emotionally distant, struggles with vulnerability
- Disorganized attachment – A mix of anxious and avoidant tendencies, often stemming from trauma
These attachment styles develop in early childhood based on how consistently and securely a caregiver responds to a child’s emotional needs. Stay tuned: we will be exploring all of these attachment styles in depth in future blogs.
How Anxious Attachment Is Formed
Anxious attachment typically develops when a caregiver is inconsistent in their responsiveness. This means that sometimes the child’s needs are met with warmth and care, but other times, the caregiver is unavailable, dismissive, or unpredictable.
Key Influences on Anxious Attachment:
- Inconsistent caregiving – When a child can’t predict whether they will receive comfort or rejection, they develop hypervigilance about relationships.
- Emotional unpredictability – If a parent is sometimes nurturing but other times distant or overwhelmed, the child learns that love is uncertain.
- Early separation or abandonment – Experiences such as a parent leaving (physically or emotionally) can create deep fears of rejection.
- Parental anxiety or overprotection – If a caregiver is overly anxious or controlling, a child may learn that the world (and relationships) are unsafe.
Over time, these experiences wire the brain to associate love with uncertainty and emotional highs and lows. As a result, adults with anxious attachment often crave closeness but fear rejection at the same time.
How Anxious Attachment Shows Up in Romantic Relationships
If you have an anxious attachment style, you may experience:
- Fear of abandonment – Constant worry that your partner will leave or lose interest.
- Need for reassurance – Frequently seeking validation that you are loved and valued.
- Overanalyzing texts and interactions – Reading too much into a partner’s words, actions, or even their response time.
- Difficulty being alone – Feeling uneasy when a partner isn’t immediately available.
- Strong emotional reactions – Experiencing intense anxiety, jealousy, or sadness when feeling disconnected from a partner.
Anxiously attached individuals often subconsciously choose avoidant partners, which reinforces their fears. Avoidant partners tend to pull away when things get too intimate, which makes the anxiously attached person cling even more—leading to a painful cycle of pursuit and withdrawal.
Roadblocks & Challenges of Anxious Attachment
Anxious attachment can create challenges in relationships, such as:
- Emotional burnout – Constantly worrying about a partner’s feelings can be exhausting.
- Self-sacrificing tendencies – Putting a partner’s needs above your own out of fear of losing them.
- Conflict escalation – Small issues may feel like major threats, leading to heightened emotional reactions.
- Attracting emotionally unavailable partners – A pattern of choosing partners who reinforce insecurity rather than stability.
Another aspect of having an anxious attachment style is our ability to self-gaslight. This leaves us dismissing and doubting our own feelings, which can cause more anxiety. If you would like to explore more about self-gaslighing, https://wassenaartimes.nl/wellness/f/self-gaslighting-how-we-undermine-our-own-reality
But the good news? Anxious attachment can be healed. With self-awareness and intentional work, it’s possible to build secure and healthy relationships.
How to Heal Anxious Attachment
Healing anxious attachment involves rewiring your response to relationships and developing inner security. If you are interested in exploring these methods with the help and support of a therapist, let’s connect, https://amandamaurocounseling.com/
Here are two powerful strategies:
- Build Self-Security & Self-Soothing Techniques
Anxiously attached individuals often seek external validation, but healing requires learning to self-soothe and create inner stability.
How to do this:
- Practice mindfulness and grounding techniques when feeling anxious in relationships.
- Engage in self-compassion exercises (e.g., journaling positive affirmations).
- Develop healthy independence—pursue hobbies, friendships, and goals outside of the relationship.
- Remind yourself: “My worth is not defined by my partner’s attention.”
By becoming your own source of comfort, you reduce the urge to seek constant reassurance from others.
- Communicate Your Needs in a Secure Way
Many anxiously attached individuals fear that expressing their needs will push their partner away. However, healthy relationships thrive on clear and secure communication.
How to do this:
- Instead of acting out (e.g., withdrawing, testing your partner), express feelings directly:
- Insecure approach: “Why don’t you love me anymore?”
- Secure approach: “I feel anxious when we don’t check in. Can we talk about how we can stay connected?”
- Set healthy boundaries—it’s okay to ask for reassurance, but it’s also important to regulate your own emotions.
- Recognize your partner is not responsible for fixing your fears, but a healthy relationship can support your growth.
With consistent effort, you can shift towards a more secure attachment and experience deeper, more fulfilling relationships.
Anxious attachment can feel overwhelming, but it’s not a life sentence. Understanding how it’s formed, recognizing how it impacts relationships, and actively working toward self-security can help break the cycle of anxious attachment.
By building self-soothing skills and practicing secure communication, you can create relationships rooted in trust, stability, and emotional safety. Healing is possible—and it starts with you.
Do you recognize any anxious attachment tendencies in yourself or past relationships? Let’s continue the conversation in the comments! 🚀✨
Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash